What to Work On Before the Next Urge

If you spend every difficult evening trying to talk yourself out of watching porn, it’s worth looking at what happens earlier in the day. Some men haven’t noticed that they’re using it to cope. Others know exactly what they’re trying to get away from and haven’t found another way to handle it. Either way, you can start learning about the pattern before you’re in the middle of fighting an urge.

Start by giving yourself a little room to notice what’s happening. A blocker or a rule about your phone can be useful. It can put some space between an urge and an action. You also need to understand what’s happening during that space. If you’re exhausted, lonely, angry, or looking for a little time that belongs to you, there is still something there asking for attention.

Picture two guys who both end up on their phones late at night. One reaches for porn after a day of being constantly interrupted. The other does it after spending the evening alone and feeling disconnected. Sending both men out for a quiet walk might help the first and leave the second feeling just as alone. A replacement has a better chance of being useful when it fits what the person actually needs. That takes a bit more curiosity than making a list of things to do instead.

You can start by looking at one recent evening. Try to describe what you were hoping porn would change for you. If you wanted a break from demands, where could you make a realistic bit of room in the day? If you wanted connection, who could you spend time with? These may take some effort to arrange, and you may have to try more than one approach. The point is to give the underlying difficulty some practical attention while you work on the habit itself.

One client, Jon, told me he’d been watching every few days. After we worked together, he reported reaching his first 90 days without porn. That was a huge milestone for him. It’s one man’s experience, and it doesn’t set a timetable for anyone else. What I want to understand with each man is what keeps his particular pattern going and what helps him move forward.

That’s also why I spend time earlier in the Neural Cascade, looking at experiences and beliefs. I want us to understand why the end of the day feels so hard, and what would make it more manageable. Understanding the job you’ve been giving porn can help you decide what else needs to change around it. Give yourself something more workable to come home to, along with the boundaries you’re putting in place.

John Wiggains
Founder of Mental Myst